Fishing and Outdoor Jokes – August 3
The psychiatrist finally agreed to make a house call after the wife of a bass fisherman called his office a dozen times begging him to come to her home to see her husband who refused to leave the bathroom.
When the shrink got there, the wife took him to the master bathroom and there was the husband: Dressed in his finest bass fishing gear, with a 7-foot G. Loomis GLX rod and casting into a bathtub full of water.
"What are you doing?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Fishing, you idiot," the husband replied. "Now get out of the bathroom before I hit you with my crankbait."
"Why didn't you tell me your husband has such a serious problem?" the psychiatrist asked the wife.
"I had no time," she replied. "All I do is clean fish all day."
As President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying his fly-rod and two big fish on a stringer. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pair of black bass, sir."
The President replied: "These are not black bass son, these are authentic Texan Guadalupe Bass. The only place you can get them is Texas – it's the state fish. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."
A fisherman was filleting his catch and started noticing some flies coming around.
His wife walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
The husband said, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
So lately my wife has been working a lot of late shifts and the past couple of months she's been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn't mind as it saves gas and in case she has car trouble or something like that, but it seems like they've become a little bit more than friends. You know -- the phone calls that hang up, she starts wearing nice clothes to work and talking about him all the time, then abruptly stops leaving an uncomfortable silence.
If I'm out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I'm in the house (they think I'm sleeping) they sit out in the car for about 20 minutes.
I asked her once what they were doing and she said, "Just talking."
So, last night I decided to see what was really going on out there. So, I leave the garage door open and turn all the lights off. I go out in the garage and wait. In a few minutes his car pulls into my driveway and as I'm hiding behind some of my fishing gear the headlights shine through my garage and I see something that I just can't believe. Jeez! My bait-casting net has a couple of holes in it! Not real bad yet, but bad enough. How long should I let it go before I replace it, or do you know how I can repair the holes?
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, are you going to buy beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Enjoy a laugh on us!
The Online Fisherman